going away to camp, a whole fucking month in the middle of nowhere.

I am so terrified of this. The day has gotten closer and closer over the months. Now that it is so near, tomorrow, less than 24 hours away, it stares me in the face: a writhing shapeless monster, my stupid fear. I cannot begin to express it. It hunts me down when I try to ignore it and pins me to the floor and crunches me to bits like a wolf with a bone. Leaves me shaking and shuddering and choking on my own revulsion at myself, this pathetic human being who is so frightened of going to overnight camp. I try ... I tell myself that I am being unreasonable, I know that I am. I try to rise above it but I fall every time, tailspin into dementia, faceplant hard into this otherworld full of sickening beauty and horror. Where I cannot tell the differences.
And there is no way to get around this, because I know. I know that the other girls will be so different it will be like a slap in the face every time I am around them. They will get along so well, they will laugh and talk and function. And I won't be able to bear it because I will be the one who wakes up in the middle of the night and stands uncertainly on the balcony, swaying, wanting to fling myself down the steps so my bones will split away from one another on the dust below. I will be the one slipping sandwiches into my pockets while they see who can eat the most pasta and they will not be counting calories and grams of fat, they will NOT be recording into little notebooks what they ate and did not eat but I will. And I will be separate, I will be different, and when I walk into the cabin they will stop their talking. There is no escape. I know what will happen. Every day I will wake up and the awful reality will crash over my head and drag me under, a riptide wrenching me through another day in that hell. Every day I will want me scream and claw myself to bits because I am stuck here and there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will spend too much time in the water in hopes of numbing myself from what I feel. And what I feel is so many unreasonable emotions, blown far out of proportion in my head where they tower over me and fence me in. There is this one ... I can't describe it very well ... this terror that seems to come from my spine, this horrible fear that I am wasting everything, that I am trapped, that I am getting old. No matter how hard I try I cannot contain it; it is a wild thrashing beast that will crunch my fingers to dust if I try to cage it. Some of these things, these monsters they have voices.

Ah, I have said too much. No one reads this but I am not supposed to let it known how I am feeling. I am meant to smile and perform my lines flawlessly: "oh, that's perfect, thank you so much!" But so often I fail at even that. I am not the daughter I should be. I was not able to be the friend I should be, so I had to make it so that I had no friends. It gives and it takes away. Only so much now has been taken that all I am left with is this uncontrollable loathing of myself, my appearance, the way I am. Oh, how it hurts! This madness. How crazy have I become?

Me!
This hateful collection of flesh.
Stop poisoning your body with food!
Don't touch, don't taste ...
Sometimes I feel like a wild animal,
Hunting, running, starving for days
But then I have to be human again and eat, 
But then I can't stop, Ican'tstopIcan'tstopIcan't.
Ouch, but I have grown to love those stinging lines in the flesh
FAT, they proclaim, give a name to my state of being.
All these vast and sickening emotions all fighting over control of my head:
What shall we make her today? Sad, shall we drown her in her own tears again?
How about we make her suicidal! Or how about furious, that one's
always fun. Don't you love it when she ruins herself, carves things in her skin?
So lovely. Let's make her argue with herself. Oh, let's.
When I'm trying to sleep and my thighs touch by accident and I scream into my pillow until my voice is scraped raw and useless.

When I run until the sidewalk swims before my eyes, shimmered in heat and exhaustion, and that still isn't enough.
(What, exactly, is enough?)
When I pinch my skin and the fury at myself rises up, fills me to the brim and I hit myself, create flocks of blue-black butterflies on my skin.
When the nutrition labels are my definitions. It is no longer 150 calories, it is 150 fights with my parents that made me say horrible things and cry all night after. It is not 5 grams of fat: it is 5 grams of horrible, useless, disgusting, shameful. The carbs add up like all the times I just wanted him to look at me, notice me, feel something, anything.

Anything.

i have officially lost my mind

That is all.

numbers

breakfast: 
1 1/4 cup Special K Original (110 calories)
1 apple slice
50 blueberries


lunch:
1 banana 
1 Starbucks Chocolate Vivanno Smoothie (160 calories; I'm not counting the banana that went into it)
1/2 a small slice of ginger cake (150 calories)


before-workout snack:
1 banana


after-workout snack:
1 mini-cucumber 


exercise completed so far:
30 minutes running (-280 calories)
30 minutes walking, leisurely pace (-65 calories)
30 minutes calisthenics (-200 calories) 


I'm nervous about dinner. It's 7:25 and I don't want to eat after 9PM because I might not have time to burn all the calories off. My mom's making spinach ravioli, and I know I'm going to end up going over my calorie limit. I need to stop using up my calories for breakfast ... I'm sure that I'll go over my limit now, but I've exercised away 545 calories so maybe it won't be too damaging ... ? I'll stay up all night doing calisthenics and I'll do some sprints when I take the dog out later. Running in this heat is fucking brutal, oh my god. But here's my plan for tomorrow:


breakfast:
6 apple slices OR 1 banana
50 blueberries


lunch:
One container (170g) of raspberries 
1 can coke zero (0 calories)


pre-workout snack:
15 frozen grapes 


post-workout snack:
2 unsalted rice cakes (70 calories)


dinner:
I'll have 430 calories left to "spend" on dinner, so that should be okay. I'm hanging out with someone (I'll call them R) tomorrow but I don't think they'll pressure me into having more for lunch than a diet soda and some fruit ... it's weird, because that sounds like a perfectly reasonable lunch to me. :/ 


exercise:
at least 30 minutes of rollerblading
60 minutes walking
30 minutes weights to boost metabolism
30 minutes calisthenics


I really want to see a loss on the scales tomorrow. Even with the pasta I'm gonna have for dinner. Running, even for half an hour, in 30 degree weather without proper running shoes is pretty grueling and I'll be pissed off if it was for nothing. Either way I need to burn off all the pasta I'll be eating ... I'm overestimating about 2 cups since my mom gives big portions of food, so 540 calories ... damn. An hour of calisthenics will burn 400 ... so I'm gonna need to do an hour and twenty minutes of calisthenics tonight. Fuck me in the face.

keep calm and stop eating

According to the scale I'm up another pound. At first I freaked the fuck out and felt another panic attack coming on, but then I realized that 1) it was in the afternoon, and you're supposed to weigh yourself in the morning, and 2) I had just had some cereal with a bunch of water.

I just need to keep calm and figure out a way to start losing weight again. Fasting is tempting but I don't want to slow down my metabolism ... so Giovanni's 30 it is. I've posted it before but I'm posting it again:

Today is day one, then. It's 1:30PM, I've had ...

• 1 serving of Special K Original cereal (110 calories)

• 50 blueberries (not being counted)

• 1 slice of an apple (not being counted)

Leaving me 490 calories for the rest of the day, which is completely doable since it's 1:56PM now. 

... Oh, now it's 2:15PM. I'm n tumblr & we<3it, also reading someone's old blog. Enjoying the feeling of my stomach growling at me for food. Well, it isn't getting any. 2:22PM. I am absolutely not eating ANYTHING until at least 3:30PM. In a few hours I will have to go for my run, but then I can take a long and blissful shower and paint my nails and pamper myself as a reward for not bingeing today. 

2:29PM. I have an idea. Probably quite stupid, counter-productive and perilous, but that's just too bad because I've already thought of it.

I am planning a binge. Once I am safely under 110lbs, I'm thinking 107 or 108lbs, I will allow myself to do this: 

Go to NoFrills and buy those chocolate-pecan brownies I've been craving so desperately.

Go to Tim Hortons and buy a cinnamon bun and some timbits, if not then ANOTHER cinnamon bun.

Also at NoFrills, buy a container of candy to use as toppings for the brownies. 

It will be amazing and horrible. I have to work out like CRAZY the day before and for two or three days after. I think it will help me stay on track now though, because I can tell myself, "no, just hold off for now. You'll be able to eat all you want once you're 107 or 108lbs." 

Okay, this post is rambling and stupid and it's 2:51PM so I'm done for now. 

still not ready to give up planning

I don't know why I do it. I rarely manage to stick completely to the plan(s). But I just ... have to.
PLAN FOR FRIDAY, THE 25TH OF JUNE 2010:

Breakfast to start metabolism: six slices of an apple (60 calories). 
Lunch, if necessary: 1 carrot, peeled & sliced (25 calories) and 1 cup romaine lettuce, shredded (10 calories) with 1/2 tablespoon fat-free dressing (no more than 15 calories). 
Afternoon snack: 1 bottle of vitaminwater™ zero (0 calories); if they don't have the 0cal variety, it's 150 calories. 
Dinner: anything under 500 calories, since all the food I will have consumed so far will have been fruits & vegetables (apparently negative calories) and I'm allowed 500 non-fruit&veg calories on day 1 of Giovanni's 30 [diet]. Preferably under 300 though.   
Exercise: at least 45 minutes of brisk walking (- about 125 calories), 60 minutes roller blading (-613 calories) and at least 30 minutes of calisthenics (-200 minutes). Also, running for at least 30 minutes at 6.7 miles per hour (-280 calories). 
Extras: water of course; 2 liters or more is desired. Diet coke (1 calorie per can) is allowed; so is sugar-free red bull (10 calories per can) and tea with no added milk, cream or sugar (0 calories, and splenda is allowed). Coffee is also permitted. These may be consumed at any time during the day. 

I'm really hoping to be under 114lbs tomorrow. Please, please, please.

c-c-cold

I actually didn't gain anything from my binge yesterday, probably because I did a lot of walking and I went for a roller blade. But my weight is still ballooned up to a horrific, earthquake-causing 114lbs. It's 4:24PM so I am 16 hours and 40 minutes into my fast. I don't know if I'll make it - not because I want to eat, but because my mom got me something for dinner and I might not be able to dispose of it. I feel so awful when I waste food, especially if my parents made it/bought it for me. I half-want to go downstairs and eat some of the raspberries and blueberries my mom got for me but I just can't. I'm in not-eating mode. I have 3 modes, it seems. Binge mode: starts off with me feeling like I'm going crazy, ends up in my bingeing in an attempt to quiet my head. Control mode: count calories like crazy, but still eat. Exercise too. This is my favourite mode to be in. Not eating mode: I can't even make myself chew gum.

I'm so fucking cold, this is ridiculous. I bought some used magazines though, so I can collage ... I really need to practice my guitar because today is my last lesson and I haven't practiced yet this week which is so stupidly lazy and horrible. I just feel like I can't bring myself to do it, but my lesson is in 3 hours so I haaaave to. Why the fuck am I so lazy when it comes to guitar?

yum, water

It's funny how I can go to sleep feeling full and disgusting and wake up the next morning feeling hungry. All the food I ate yesterday probably went straight to my thighs ... I'm going to go for a run today, but I'm not going to push myself too hard because it's hot out and I'm not eating [today]. I'm so tired, I might actually have a nap in a bit. My fast is only 13 hours and 15 minutes in and I already feel hungry? God I am weak. I'm drinking water and reading an old blog but by 2PM I have to either exercise or sleep ... I seem to have strange sleeping patterns, now. I fall asleep between 2PM-3PM and wake up at around 11-12. Taking a nap will probably just fuck up my sleeping schedule even more, but oh well. I can't be tempted to eat while I'm sleeping, so it's all good. Mmm ... actually no, I can't sleep because I want to actually be kind of productive today.

TO-DO LIST
• practice guitar for lesson tonight
• walk over to the mall & weigh myself, take in the damage ...
• go for a run, burn at least 250 calories.
• take the dog for a long walk
• NOT EAT
• buy some used magazines to collage
• maybe rent a movie to watch with the family?
• update my tips page on tumblr.
• drink water until i feel sick

Damn, I'm cold. Probably from the water, even though I'm only on my 3rd bottle out of the 10 or so I'm planning on drinking today. Oh, my mom's home, gotta go.

this is the end

Had another panic attack. Literally could not stop crying at my appearance. Stupid shaking mess on the floor. Hitting myself. I got so fucking upset and started hyperventilating; I just hate myself when I eat. The voices rise up. Louder louder louder! Stupid little girl. You amount to nothing. You are a fat-wrapped body encasing rivers of calories and shame. Pathetic, weak, disaster. You fucking trainwreck. Get up off the floor and finish your crunches. Then what do I do? I dig my nails into my chest hard enough to leave red cuts and fling myself downstairs and binge. Trying to drown out the screaming with food - handfuls, spoonfuls. Until I am numb, my head blissfully quiet for a few moments. I sit on the counter and stare glassily ahead, knees drawn up to my chest. But I never get to be alone for long. The noise starts again, at first little whispers building to a dull roar coalescing into words, angry, hateful, poisonous. What have you done what have you DONE WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!? STUPID STUPID STUPID! I HATE YOU, I LOATHE YOU, YOU LOATHE YOURSELF. LOOK AT YOU. You filthy slut. You repulsive, dirty little whore. You are going to get your period at this rate. You are going to bleed. You are going to get old and forget everything and become exactly what you hate. You are wasting your time - with food, with fat. Please let yourself free or I will tear you apart, you monstrous cocoon of flesh. You nightmarish blob. The fat is building up in your veins, in your heart, and you will never be free of it unless you change. LISTEN to me, you miserable wretch. STOP EATING. STOP THIS. You are going to get cellulite. You are going to lose the ability to walk; the flesh will pile up, more and more and more, until you die like your uncle. Take this control I offer you. Take control of your life. You repugnant failure, turn yourself around before it's too late. 


As always I feel horrible after. I feel hollow and used up. I have done something terrible. I am terrible, I am everything that I hate. Hate, I have so much of it. It builds up until I can't take it anymore and I have to hurt myself. And I am ashamed of myself. I loathe my reflection. Loathing loathing loathing ... I want to stop this ... stop eating. I am fasting tomorrow. I am jagged, all extremes: eat everything or eat nothing at all. It is rare that I manage to eat and retain my control, and those days are difficult ... walking the fine line, trying to keep my balance but always, always I fall. I tumble down into the dark where everything rots and decays and falls apart at the seams. I fall, I fail. But I am fasting tomorrow, I will be pure and clean and cold and it will be lovely beyond anything I have felt in a while. I know now that planning is a temporary comfort ... that letting myself believe that I can eat and still lose weight is futile, it is lies. I know now that the way, the only way, is to be savage and clever and take everything as it comes and find ways not to eat, because I know they exist. This will happen. It will be fantastic.

mental binge

Cravings are a bitch and a half.  
But I don't need it; I just want it.
At least, I think I do.
FOOD IS TRICKING ME INTO THINKING I WANT IT.

i can't believe this.

I have gained 1.8lbs. WHAT THE FUCK?!
I'm so angry. Clearly, running every day and doing hours of calisthenics is not fucking enough anymore. I need to eat WAY less if I'm going to get anywhere. New rules:

Calories: following Giovanni's 30.
Fat: stay under 10g; top limit 15g. Under 10g is best.
Saturated Fat: Should never eat this, but top limit is 5g.
Trans Fat: Never, never, never eat anything with this.
Carbohydrates: I'll start slowly with this ... top limit is 125g. Most should be from fruit.
Protein: I really don't want to bulk up, so, top limit 35g.

I can get my vitamins and minerals from multivitamins and fruit. So far today I've had a banana and special k blueberry cereal with water (100cal). I've done 35 minutes of walking. I'm just waiting for my ipod to charge now ... as soon as it's done I'm going for a roller blade. Then I'm going grocery shopping with my mom ... I need to buy some safe foods:
- Yoplait Source fat-free yogurt (vanilla + strawberry flavours)
- Celery
- Cucumber
- Apples
- Grapefruit

I need to stop gaining weight. Depending on the calories I'm allowed according to Giovanni's 30, I'll need to burn that many calories in exercise, and then some. So today I'm allowed 500 calories not including fruits & vegetables. I've used up 100 so far. So I need to burn 750 calories in exercise. I've burnt 98 so far ... ugh. The roller blade should burn at least 300 though ... and I'll be walking around grocery shopping and I have to walk to my brow appointment at 2:30. My run later will burn at least 250 ... and I'll do a half-hour or more of calisthenics. I can't believe I'm gaining weight, that is repulsive. 

Buuut, I'm babysitting my brother & his friend tonight so I can make them dinner, then just have a plate of veggies and some fat-free yogurt for myself. Definitely going to stay under the 500 calorie limit today. Need to see a loss on the scales tomorrow, I can't believe I gained 1.8lbs just from eating some FAT-FREE candy A FEW DAYS AGO. That's so ridiculous ... but, wait. It was probably full of refined sugar ... which turns into fat ... ahhh.

Okay, I need to stop sitting on my ass here and go exercise.

how is it even possible to be this ugly?

I've had 6 slices of apple, about 100 blueberries, a bowl of lemongrass soup and some raw veggies today. I just got back from a run. So why do I feel like this?

I had a huge panic attack yesterday. Why? Because I am just so, so utterly repulsed by the way I look. I just could not stop fucking crying and shaking and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It almost happened again today when I put on my running shorts. I just can’t stand myself. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am pathetic. I am gross. This needs to stop. 

I hate seeing the stomach covered in fat. The grossly pale skin. The flabby arms. The legs … I hate my legs more than anything else in the world. The pale, massive calves that almost touch in the middle, they’re that big. Too much muscle. And fat on top of it. The huge thighs. I hate to see them squish together when I sit down. I hate to see them jiggle when I run. I hate my body, I FUCKING HATE MY BODY AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I need to listen to the voice again. It helped me get skinny before, didn’t it? Yes. The one that screams at me when I eat too much, the one that drags my fat carcass onto the floor for more crunches, more pushups, more more more! I am going insane. I am officially losing it. Losing my fucking mind because I am just so, so, so, SO FUCKING FAT.

Well, you know what else I’m going to lose? Weight. And lots of it. I just went for a run and I’m going to run every day until I feel like fainting or throwing up or both. I’m going to stay up half the night doing calisthenics. I have no appetite whatsoever right now and I have a feeling it’s going to stay that way. I feel sick at the sight, even the thought of myself.

If I am not under 112lbs tomorrow - ah, this is where the voice takes over. If you are not under 112 pounds tomorrow there will be hell to pay. You fat, loathsome girl. You pathetic , selfish idiot. You want to lose weight? You have to fucking WORK for it. You don’t lose weight by sitting on your ass all day. You don’t fucking lose weight by eating until you feel full. Why don’t you understand this? You have to feel HUNGRY to know it’s working, don’t you see? You have to, and believe me, you will.

I’m going to need to earn my tumblr hours from now on. I’m not allowed on the computer until I do at LEAST 30 minutes of exercise. I need to burn off every calorie I eat … I need to lose weight … weighing myself tomorrow. The numbers should be low[er]. So why do I feel like I am headed to my execution? 

back on the wagon ...

I have a confession to make:
Yesterday when I got back home from my walk and roller blade, I tried doing some pilates but I was just so, so exhausted. So, like the spineless monstrosity I am, I just crawled into my bed and fell asleep for an hour or so. Woke up and I was starving. I laid in bed for a long time just imagining all the food I wanted to eat. I kept thinking of Pillsbury Brownie mixture, cookie dough, whipped cream, candy. I wanted it so badly my teeth hurt. Then my dad called me down for dinner, and just my luck - it was pasta! Whole-grain, but still full of carbs and calories. I devoured it and it started a rampage - a protein bar, a bowl of cereal, a slice of fucking bread. So many carbs, so so many ...

But today is a new day and I am getting right back on the wagon. I woke up at noon because I stayed up until about 3:00AM last night so the calories I ate would be burned and not just turn into fat ... ahh, horrors.  I had 6 slices of a granny smith apple and 50 blueberries for breakfast and for some reason I feel sick now. Fun. But I found this great new diet on tumblr, here it is:

It seems good; I started this morning. My breakfast was 100 calories, rounded up, but I don't need to count them. :3 Feels a bit weird, but I like this diet plan so oh well. Today is day one so ... 500 calories allowed for food that isn't fruit or veggies. My mom's taking me out to lunch ... I really hope there's something low-cal and low-fat on the menu! 

And in terms of exercise today, I think I'll take it a bit easier because I don't want to collapse again. I'll go running and do some calisthenics, that's all. I want to burn 500 calories - to match the 500 non-fruit-or-vegetable calories I'll be consuming.

"You must suffer to be 
beautiful."

just checking in

I went to the mall to weigh myself today, and there was this man trying out all the scales. I kicked my shoes off and stood on the one I always use and he said, "you are small ... maybe 80 pounds?"
What a nice guy! Too bad I'm 30 pounds more than he thought. In fact, I am 32.2 pounds more than 80! I am 112.2 fucking pounds, disgusting. But I got this. I just walked for 140 minutes, burnt 398 calories. I ate some candy (the 5-cent kind from corner stores) though, fuck fuck fuck. Have I no self control whatsoever? At least it was fat-free, but I did NOT need all the calories, carbs, and sugar! If I don't feel ravenous by dinner, I'm going to have to find a way to dispose of the food without anyone looking because I really need to be under 112 tomorrow.

On the plus side, I bought a sunless tanning lotion today so soon my legs won't be so gross and pale. I dream of the day when my legs are long and thin and tan and I can confidently wear my size 00 white short shorts. They fit now, but they're pretty snug ... I'm going to wait to be at least 109lbs before I wear them.

As soon as I finish typing this I'm going to clean my room, which I'm sure will burn at least 50-100 calories because I'll probably have to vacuum, and I'll be running things up and down the stairs. After that I'm braving the heat to go for a 35 minute roller blade in an attempt for not going yesterday ... then some pilates & calisthenics ... running again once it gets a bit cooler outside. I'll check in later, even though no one's reading this. :/

PS. I woke up hungry this morning, love it. Except for standing up and getting that sick feeling, seeing black dots for a few seconds. I must have been dehydrated!

end of day one

Today went pretty well. I didn't roller blade, which is lame of me, but I still burnt off every calorie I ate and then some. I did an hour of calisthenics and half an hour of stepping aerobics ... I only did 3 out of the 5 laps around the block, though. I guess I'm in even worse shape than I thought! It was so hot out and I was feeling really short of breath and light-headed after 3 laps ... I'm gonna try for 4 tomorrow, though. Before I go to bed I'm going to do an extra half hour of calisthenics, maybe more, to make up for not roller blading ... anyway here's my intake:

744 calories! More than I'd planned ... I really shouldn't have had that protein bar, although it did fill me up. Still, 744 is a lot. I guess it's best to ease into restricting again though. Tomorrow I'll try to keep it under 744 at most, then!

And here's a screenshot of my "analysis" from caloriecount:

I can't believe I had so many carbs! That stupid protein bar; it had 41g. Gross. Also, I don't like the saturated fat ... again from the protein bar! I need to stop eating those ... they do give me great energy though ... maybe I can just have half. And 9.5g of fat, yikes! I mean it's apparently way less than someone of my age should be having, but it seems like so much. I hate to think of it swarming around in my body, settling on my thighs and stomach ... 

off to a good start

Woke up early today (early by my standards, anyway) to make breakfast for my parents (it's Father's day). My brother made omelets and I made fresh-squeezed orange juice, which smelled really good but is probably calorie-laden, so too bad for me.

I had my 1/2 grapefruit as planned, no green tea though. I'm not sure why but I'm feeling kind of nauseous ... might wait a half hour or so before I exercise. I was planning on breaking up my workouts into intervals; apparently that's more effective than just mindlessly exercising for hours at a time. So at 11:30AM I'll do 30 minutes of Calisthenics and I'll do the other 30 minutes a few hours later ... roller blading at 12:05.

Now, to pass the time I'm gonna post a few of my favourite inspiring pictures. Not like anyone's reading this, but ...

There's lots more, but I know no one's reading this so I won't post it. At least not all at once.

let's turn this train around.

I want to be as fit as the girl in that picture (left). So first, I'll post my exercise plan. (Below.) Keep in mind that the numbers are specific to my age, gender and height/weight (I made this plan using caloriecount.about.com, which is a great website. It tells you how many calories you burn exercising and has the nutritional information for a huge variety of food/drink.) 

<--- My exercise plan. I'm finished exams, so I have no school and therefor tons of time to do all that. I'm gonna create some workout playlists later so I don't get bored when I'm exercising.

Sunday: 1,485 calories burnt in total. 
Monday: 959 calories burnt in total, more if I walk more.
Tuesday: 1,388 calories burnt in total. 


As soon as I wake up tomorrow I'm going to do 30 minutes of calisthenics (I'll do the other 30 a bit later). I find that if I start the day with exercise, I don't want to eat because then I'll counter-act the exercise. So every day I'll start with half an hour or so of exercise to wake up my metabolism (by raising my heartbeat) and get me on the right track for the rest of the day.

Eating plan:

Sunday
Breakfast will be 1/2 of a grapefruit (52 calories) and a mug of green tea with Splenda (0 calories). 
Lunch will be more green tea (0 cal) and a small granny smith apple (70 calories) cut into 8 slices, to make it seem like more. If my parents ask why I'm not eating more for lunch, I'll also have a hard-boiled egg (78 calories). The protein will keep me going for my roller blading, which I'm planning on doing after lunch.
Dinner will be a salad, including lettuce (no more than 25 calories' worth), a tbsp of fat-free italian dressing (5 calories), 1/2 of a carrot chopped into small pieces (12 calories), and 10 cucumber slices (10 calories). Also, 1/2 of a Lick's "Natureburger" (105 calories for half) to satisfy my parents, with ketchup (no more than 5 calories' worth). 
Snack(s) will be Diet Coke (0 calories), sugar-free mint gum (2.5 calories per piece) and of course, green tea or any other kind of tea with splenda (0 calories). 
Monday
Breakfast will be water. 0 calories, obviously.
Lunch will be a can of sugar-free red bull (10 calories) and/or a diet coke (0 calories). 
Dinner will be a small portion of whatever my parents make.
Snack(s) will be water, green tea/other tea with splenda (0 calories), and diet coke (0 calories). Also sugar-free gum (5 calories per two pieces).
Tuesday
Breakfast will be 3/4 cup of Special K Blueberry cereal (100 calories) and the usual green tea (0 calories).
Lunch will be raspberries (88 cal) and 50 blueberries (39 cal). 
Dinner My plan is to say I'm going out for dinner with friends, but really just go for a walk. If that falls through though, I'll have a small portion of what my parents make. 
Snack(s) will be, as usual, tea, diet coke,  gum, and water. 


So that's that. I'm so pumped for this - I can't wait to feel hungry again. I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and determine the damage. 

how could we lose sight of what matters most

I don't know if anyone's reading this, but if anyone is: hey. I made this blog to keep me motivated and hopefully make some friends along the way. But if you're expecting this to be some sort of healthy diet, well-being blog, then you're out of luck. Sure, 1200 calories a day might work, but I like to speed things up a little.


I believe in losing weight any way you can. 


I'm sorry if that offends you. But it's summer. And that means short shorts, bikinis, and tiny little tank tops - none of which I am deserving to wear right now. I am a pale, chubby mess, and I don't intend to leave it that way. I'm done with being fat. I'm done with being ugly. Using this blog, and a few helpful hints from an old friend ... I'm going to change. In the next post, I'll be putting up my eating/exercising schedule. (If anyone cares, and is reading this.)

I'll be posting: thinspo, recipes, personal posts (like how my day went/my intake and output), workouts, etc. Again, if anyone's reading this, send me a message/comment if there's a certain thing you want me to post (like a recipe or workout playlist).