how is it even possible to be this ugly?

I've had 6 slices of apple, about 100 blueberries, a bowl of lemongrass soup and some raw veggies today. I just got back from a run. So why do I feel like this?

I had a huge panic attack yesterday. Why? Because I am just so, so utterly repulsed by the way I look. I just could not stop fucking crying and shaking and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It almost happened again today when I put on my running shorts. I just can’t stand myself. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am pathetic. I am gross. This needs to stop. 

I hate seeing the stomach covered in fat. The grossly pale skin. The flabby arms. The legs … I hate my legs more than anything else in the world. The pale, massive calves that almost touch in the middle, they’re that big. Too much muscle. And fat on top of it. The huge thighs. I hate to see them squish together when I sit down. I hate to see them jiggle when I run. I hate my body, I FUCKING HATE MY BODY AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I need to listen to the voice again. It helped me get skinny before, didn’t it? Yes. The one that screams at me when I eat too much, the one that drags my fat carcass onto the floor for more crunches, more pushups, more more more! I am going insane. I am officially losing it. Losing my fucking mind because I am just so, so, so, SO FUCKING FAT.

Well, you know what else I’m going to lose? Weight. And lots of it. I just went for a run and I’m going to run every day until I feel like fainting or throwing up or both. I’m going to stay up half the night doing calisthenics. I have no appetite whatsoever right now and I have a feeling it’s going to stay that way. I feel sick at the sight, even the thought of myself.

If I am not under 112lbs tomorrow - ah, this is where the voice takes over. If you are not under 112 pounds tomorrow there will be hell to pay. You fat, loathsome girl. You pathetic , selfish idiot. You want to lose weight? You have to fucking WORK for it. You don’t lose weight by sitting on your ass all day. You don’t fucking lose weight by eating until you feel full. Why don’t you understand this? You have to feel HUNGRY to know it’s working, don’t you see? You have to, and believe me, you will.

I’m going to need to earn my tumblr hours from now on. I’m not allowed on the computer until I do at LEAST 30 minutes of exercise. I need to burn off every calorie I eat … I need to lose weight … weighing myself tomorrow. The numbers should be low[er]. So why do I feel like I am headed to my execution?